Guest Post From Author Craig Fischer

Hi! I reckon most of you reading this are incredibly smart people. You probably even read. You probably read books about murder, high wizards, and socialism--and you probably don't just do it on the toilet like a certain guest poster (hint: it's the guy below me!). You probably read things just shrouded in hidden meanings with allegories up the wazoo and go to book clubs and forums to discuss what the author was thinking. So it's probably safe to say Children's books are probably not that interesting to you and your grade 19 reading levels. Heck they're kind of beneath you. But chances are you've procreated (high five) or adopted (high five), or know some little people that talk only on cellphones and creepily turn every sentence in their 5 year old mouths into something about Justin Bieber-- and you've been forced to take a break from reading your Sex and the City 2 movie companion novels or Chaucer to read to them-- and man that just must grind your gears! No one gives a hoot about that durn' Koala and his missing pogo stick, we want the hidden meanings, and allegories, and all that higher level, hoity-toity smart people book stuff. So I've got the perfect thing for you!

 In honor of my new Children's book, Super Fat Cat, Here are the descriptions of books on the Amazon best seller list, re-imagined as Children's books! So curl up with the little ones with a nice cup of cocoa, and enjoy!

 1. Lean In: Women, Work, Work and Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg:

 In a far off magical land there lived a group of fat sexist ogres and a group of beautiful little girls (over half of them went to faery sprinkles school!)--but, tragically, very few of these sweet little girls ever become princesses despite it being their birthright. This is because the mean old sexist ogres have created an all ogres club and don't like it when the girls become princesses because they want to be princes. One brave girl, Princess Sheryl shows all the other girls how they can sparkle in the sparkle kingdom.

 2. A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones) George R.R. Martin? Is that right?

 In a far off magical land... okay this story is pretty similar to the last story kids, except one of Santa's elves is a king, and there's like six or seven kings (have your kids count them--it's an activity book) and there are ponies, and dragons and stuff. Just get your Mom and Dad to watch the HBO show. It'll much easier to explain after you see a few seasons.


3. Life After Life: A novel by Kate Atkinson

 On a cold and snowy night in a time before cellphones, Ursy Tursy is born to her Mommy and Daddy but then she... Holy crap this subject matter is kind of harsh for kids, the baby dies? And then keeps coming back to life?! That's gonna give them nightmares. Okay hold on...got it. Ursy Tursy liked to blow bubbles, so her Daddy gave her a bottle of magic bubbles! Bubbles that would reappear after they popped! Oh what fun Ursy Tursy thought! Now I can have all the bubbles I ever want! Does Ursy Tursy's apparently infinite number of bubbles give her the power to save the world from the mud monster? And if she can, will she? See that's what kids like. Bubbles and cliffhangers.

4. Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James

One day Anastasia Aardvark goes to interview Christian Caterpillar for the local paper. He is a very cute little green caterpillar with tiny little hairs on his back! Instead of interviewing Christian for the paper, Ana Aardvark just wants to play with Christian all day and all night! Even though Christian really wants to do the interview for the paper he decides to put the work to the decide and play with Ana...but on one condition! Only if they play the way he wants to play! Uh Oh!

 This book is intended for silly audiences!


5. Inferno: A Novel by Dan Brown

 Robbie Langdon loves solving mysteries! He once solved old Mr. DaVinci's missing carrot caper, and found out where the lost cymbals were just in the nick of time before the school band had to play! But this time, Robbie is on a case, three times as difficult! He has to solve the mystery of Dad's grumbly furanace. Robbie races to find answers around the house and must decide whom to trust... before the world is inevitably altered and Dad tells Robbie to quit messing around with the thermostat, he likes it the way he had it.


 Wooo! That was a challenge. It was really difficult, and I hope in my heart of hearts that this does two things for you. It shows you that Children's books can be fun (you just need to spice things up--add some funny voices, get the kids involved) and that writing kids books is a lot harder than it looks. If you and your children are looking for more stuff (read:better stuff...hahaha take that Kate Atkinson) I strongly encourage you to browse around Amazon for new and interesting Children's book authors. There are a lot of great ones afoot, and they are doing some really interesting things. If you have a chance, check out my latest work (I promise it's much more kid friendly than any re-imagination of Fifty Shades of Grey) 'Super Fat Cat'--it's a fun little story about a Cat that wants to eat a donut, but can't because he's on a diet! The story even involves the reader, and it is encouraged to yell "NO KITTY!" at the pages.


 Craig Fischer is a brand new Children's book author and illustrator born and raised in the mean streets of Calgary, AB, Canada. He knows you only read Author Bio's for one reason, and one reason only, so he doesn't write a big blurb to waste your time...he gets right to the point... and no, he's never fought a bear.